Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
