look no pants
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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