She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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