Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i now understand why vodka
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
