I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
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I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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