I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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