non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
