I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
