im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
