your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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