My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
