Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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