I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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