I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
