everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
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But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
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Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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