Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Randomize
