I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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