So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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