A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Boobs are out for the taking
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize