Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
