3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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