Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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