I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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