is your mom at the bar?
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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