I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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