i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
