dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
