I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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