sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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