Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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