I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
