I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
