I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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