Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
