There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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