I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
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i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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