if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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