he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
