Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
