My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
