i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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