I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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