I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
