I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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