She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
