Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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