you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
