I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
