Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
