If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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