hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
