I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
