Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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